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Proverbs 3:25-26 — “Have no fear of sudden disaster or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked, for the Lord will be at your side and will keep your foot from being snared.”
Yesterday the ground moved without warning.
One moment, ordinary. The next, I had Lyle in my arms and I was moving toward the door without thinking, the way the body just knows before the mind catches up. Bedroom to garage in seconds.
Heart pounding.
Him confused, half-asleep, trusting me completely to know what to do.
The full trust a child gives to his father.
Emergencies have a way of stripping everything down to what actually matters.
Not the bills.
Not the arguments.
Not the slow accumulating weight of a marriage under stress.
Just him.
Just us.
Just get out of the house.
Perhaps there’s some symbolism there?
I’ve been an angrier man lately.
I know that about myself and I’m not proud of it.
There are things happening inside my home that I cannot control no matter how hard I try, things where accountability seems to only flow in one direction, where a marriage is quietly being allowed to fall apart and I am the only one treating it like an emergency.
My son’s full trust in the morning that I would keep him safe? Shattered within seconds when I raised my hand in anger that night as a result of frustration and anger.
I’m not proud of it.
I saw fear, betrayal, and trauma within seconds happening as he ran to his mother seeking comfort.
As he shouted he hated me.
That hate I can take from anyone else, but from my son?
I have spent years bnding, building that trust and in one foolish moment, because I allowed anger to take over, I broke that trust.
I know it wasn’t painful. But it was definitely something he did not expect from me. That was not me at the moment. I was still able to hold back, pull back to just graze his face with my fingers but I know in his mind it was as if I was the earthquake who just came to damage everything in its path.
The earthquake reminded me of something.
Some disasters announce themselves slowly. Others hit without warning. The only thing you can control in either case is where you position yourself and who you’re holding onto when it happens.
I want to be the man my son feels safe with when the ground moves.
In every sense.
The steady one.
The one who doesn’t panic, like my own dad.
I’ve always wanted to be like my dad.
And now I’ve gone and done something that he never did to me when I was a child.
I’ve recently turned my attention back to God.
I keep telling myself to be in control of the situation and to not let my emotions get the best of me. I should be a master of it, after all, I did study management and I’ve been exposed to so many more experiences that would make any man just punch the wall in anger and frustration.
I should do better.
I should be better.
It’s just so hard when you’re too near the situation.
The earthquake taught me something, that at the core of it all, I no longer think of myself first. It’s always been family first even if I am being denied the fulfillment of having an intact one.
I just need to keep my footing.
I just have to stay standing.Earthquakes, wickedness, trauma, and all.
